3 Signs It’s Dysregulation—Not Defiance
Sometimes your “defiant” child isn’t a tiny rebel CEO…
she’s a fried little nervous system in a too-big world.
Let’s name 3 signs it’s dysregulation—not defiance 🌿
1️⃣ The “Won’t” That’s Actually a “Can’t”
Looks like (on the surface):
Refusing to get dressed, do math, clean up, leave the park.
You say, “It’s time to go.”
They melt, bolt, or bark: “NO. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.”
Underneath (nervous system):
This is often fight/flight, not a power struggle.
Their body is reading “threat” (rush, pressure, transition, overwhelm),
and their skills to shift gears are offline.
Dysregulated:
Tight jaw, loud voice
Wild eyes, fast movements
“Rude” words, slamming, shoving, running away
Or freezing + going limp when pushed harder
Regulated version of the same child:
Can say, “Can I have 5 more minutes?”
Negotiates: “Two more slides, then we go.”
Body is slower, eyes soft, humor returns
This “defiance” is often an executive function brown-out:
task initiation, flexibility, and impulse control just left the chat.
Plant allies for the “can’t, not won’t” kid (and mama):
Lemon Balm – sunny, gentle nervine. Eases anxious flutters and overthinking; like a friendly hand saying, “We’ve got time.”
Oatstraw / Milky Oats – slow, mineral-rich nourishment for frazzled wiring; think recharging the battery, not forcing more output.
Tulsi (Holy Basil) – heart-centered adaptogen; helps the system feel less threatened by everyday transitions.
Imagery:
Think of your child not as a stubborn mule, but a startled deer mid-meadow. You don’t “discipline” a deer into calm. You soften the field.
2️⃣ Big Feelings, Tiny Triggers
Looks like:
Explosive reactions to… nothing.
You cut the sandwich wrong. The blue cup is missing. Math worksheet appears and—boom—instant volcano.
Underneath (nervous system):
This is stored stress with nowhere to go.
Their window of tolerance is narrow; even small asks tip them into fight/flight or fawn.
Dysregulated:
Tears that won’t stop over “little things”
Shrieking “I hate you!” then clinging 5 minutes later
Hypervigilant: scanning for what might go wrong next
People-pleasing flips: over-apologizing after the storm (“I’m the worst kid ever.”)
Regulated version of the same child:
Still sensitive, but can feel + name: “I’m disappointed” instead of detonating
Can recover faster after upset
Can accept repair: hugs, humor, connection
This isn’t “dramatic.” It’s a nervous system without enough padding.
Plant allies for the tender volcano:
Chamomile – gut-brain diplomat; eases crampy bellies, irritability, and “hot tears.” Think warm honey light over a frosty field.
Linden Blossom – soft, heart-holding tree medicine; settles the storm clouds around the chest and throat.
Rose – boundaries + tenderness; helps fiery hearts feel both protected and soft.
Imagery:
These kids are thunderstorms over a teacup. The goal isn’t to stop the weather—it’s to build a cozy, grounded house to ride out the rain.
3️⃣ Shutdown, Spacing Out, or “Lazy”
Looks like:
Staring at the wall instead of starting.
Dragging feet, “forgetting,” taking forever to do one simple task.
You say “lazy”; their body says “low-power mode.”
Underneath (nervous system):
This is freeze/collapse, not a character flaw.
The system is overwhelmed, so it hits dim mode to survive.
Dysregulated:
Glazed eyes, slumped posture
“I don’t know” to everything
Can’t start even things they want to do
Looks calm on the outside, but inside feels heavy, hopeless, or numb
Regulated version of the same child:
Still moves slower, but with presence
Can start with scaffolding: “You do the first one with me.”
Can say, “I’m tired,” “This feels hard,” or “Can we take a break?”
This isn’t “doesn’t care.” It’s a body protecting itself from overwhelm.
Plant allies for the low-power genius:
Skullcap – quiets the buzzing thoughts that lead to shutdown; like turning down background static so they can choose a next step.
Nettle – iron-rich, building tonic; supports energy and resilience so the body isn’t scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Gentle Green Tea or Rosemary (for older kids/teens + you) – a whisper of clarity + circulation for foggy brains (used mindfully, not as a whip).
Imagery:
Think of a laptop on 3% battery. You don’t yell at it to load more tabs.
You plug it in.
For the Mogul Mama With the Mini CEO
When you see “defiance,” try this quick reframe ritual:
Pause your own system
One deep breath down to your feet.
Unclench jaw, drop shoulders, soften belly.
Ask:
“Is this won’t or can’t?”
“What might their nervous system be protecting right now?”Offer one regulating thing before one demanding thing
Sip of tea, movement, cuddle, song, silly voice, stepping outside, sniffing an herb jar together.
Then the request.
Because in this house, we don’t call nervous systems “disrespectful.”
We call them sacred, sensitive receivers learning how to live in their own skin.
XOXO, gina